The Merchant of Venice redux

Because sometimes, even Shakespeare disappoints you.

Antonio: I need some cash
Bassiano: You should totally ask Shylock. He’s rich.
Antonio: Why don’t you do it for me?
Bassiano: Uh, well, I guess I could.
Antonio: Awesome. I’ll go get drunk.

Shylock: So you want three thousand ducats for three months?
Bassiano: Yeah. That cool with you?
(Enter Antonio)
Antonio: How’s it hanging? Everything sorted?
Shylock: The money’s for him? He’s a total dick! He used to spit at me and call me names.
Antonio: Look dude, are you going to give me the money or not?
Shylock: I’ll give it to you. But if you don’t pay it back in time you have to eat a pound… of lokshen pudding.
Antonio: Whatever.

Three months pass. Antonio doesn’t pay the money back (is anyone surprised?). Shylock takes him to court, where the lovely Portia acts for his defence.

Shylock: He stiffed me and now he won’t even eat the pudding he promised to.
Portia: He’s totally guilty. But couldn’t you at least give him some blood thinners or something?
Shylock: My grandmother told me that desserts have no calories in. She wouldn’t tell a lie. So it can’t hurt him.
Portia: Well, I can’t accuse someone’s grandmother of lying. Antonio, you’ll have to eat it.

Antonio eats a pound of lokshen pudding and dies.

Shylock: Perhaps I used one egg too many.

Portia cries.

Shylock: Hey, you know what’s good for grief? Chicken soup.

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