If there was a zombie apocalypse
I would stand by your side with an axe
Until we were overwhelmed by sheer numbers
And our entrails were ripped out.
If there was an asteroid
I would hold your hand
And look forward without fear
As we were engulfed
By a tsunami of sewage.
If we lived in a dystopian future
I would hide you in the attic
And lie to the police
Until they figured out what I was doing
Or Donald Trump got lynched.
But since none of those things happened
Why don’t we go to Brixton
To buy a vegan peanut butter and chocolate milkshake
And on the way
I can tell you exactly
What I would do about vampires.